欣旅惠語 VaL's Journey

Decluttering

Went to sleep last night announcing (to no one in particular), "I want to declutter my table tomorrow."

Woke up today and without thinking or order, I actually got down to clearing my table. And eventually my room area. Removing the clutter.

终于，我狠下心把一些些的回忆丢掉了。

Just what was I holding on to? iTalentstar scripts - I have the clips, I have the soft copy, do I need the scribblings? No. Throw. Past proposals, any future references? No, it's all in my head. Throw. His stuff - his notes, his this his that. His. Not mine. Throw. FMT stuff - notes, scribblings, etc etc. I have My Little Treat with the dear sisters now. FMT? Throw.

MCs. What the hell, still keep for what? Throw. Medicines. Gosh, I have in my drawers, my bags, on my tables...enough pills and tablets to start a clinic I believe. Out out, OUT OF MY ROOM.

From today onwards, my room will be one filled with warmth, love and health. I will try my best not to curse or swear in the room. I will fill it with happy and loving things. It will look great and smell great.

Got down to decorating my wooden shelf with the rose lights from Bangkok - I must say, they were the missing touch! :) Will take a photo of it and upload sooooooon.

Haven't managed to throw my SMU stuff away tho. The projects, the notes, the blah blu blah...guess a part of me still needs grades affirmation huh? Bo bian, worked 20 years of my life for this degree. Somethings, need time to let go bahs.

Found the 3 handwritten letters from Mr. X stashed away in an angry moment some time ago. Handwritten eh! How precious and rare is that! Gosh. Sentimental me. Opened all of them and read all of them in one go. How we've "grown"! I must say, not all the stuff I read were very pleasant...made me refused dinner with the X-family today. Mr. X was sorely disappointed and slightly hurt. I feel bad.

Hey, I've promised myself to let myself feel more. And I really didn't feel like it...so. Am no longer going to 把委屈、生气、埋怨、and whatever there is 吞在肚子里了。吞着吞着，就会 a stomach full of shit de. K, enough of this topic.

Am very pleased with the room right now. Well, at least the outside hurhur... Next up, my wardrobe. I seriously gotta clear it up. My mum counted. She says I have enough clothes for 3 sisters! Yet I keep wearing the same few pieces. So, time to clean that place up! :))

Am so beat now. Happy but tired. Gonna take a hot shower then do some repair-work on Mr. X. Sheesh, it's Friday night, I ought to be out on a romantic chill-out session. Shall give him a text later.

Got this from one of the cards I kept:

Decluttering

 

My truth

Jumped out of bed this morning in the wee hours, and realized that I've finally woken up EARLY, as I've set out to do. After days of sleeping in and trying to sleep truth away, I woke up this morning feeling more alive and refreshed than ever. EVA.

Was wondering why, why the sudden gush of hope and assurance...then it hit me - assurance! My orange color balloon of self-assurance! Hahas.. K, this is going to be a long story if I ever have to explain to anyone reading my post what it's all about. But explanation is not for this post. This post is simply for me to recount and remember about my Journey process last night.

My prayer, "Please let Grace clear what my body wants cleared tonight."

Simple. Complicated task ahead. Tough, tough call in fact.

Perhaps it was an intention set, some people call it a prayer. Perhaps it was Grace's work on my skepticism and disbelief. I got what I got and had to ultimately...just trust and dive into it. And so I did, went over to Mdm's house, ran out of running-away conversations...and did a process. Cunning Mdm, tried to con me into an emotional Journey when we were supposed to be in a physical one. Too sharp for my own good, my walls came right up and the all too familiar feeling of nonchalance and nothingness enveloped me. Not good. I gotta figure a way to get rid of this involuntary self-defense somehow. In fact, my resistance appeared in so many forms last night - cannot find the door la, cannot open the door la, wrong door la. Wa lau, I can almost hear Mdm saying, "You want to do this or not?!?" And I do...so I did.

Found the big white wooden door, went past it, greeted my mentor, boarded the bus...damn long journey and reached the place. Was looking for "things that shouldn't be there" and found a pile of stones, with a huge black oval gleaming one smirking at me. Fine. "What do you feel? What emotion overwhelms you?" Nothing, nothing nothing. I gotta give Mdm credit - she does have 1001 tools to dig truth outta me. And truth came.

Finally arrived at the campfire with a whole hoard of people. Funny, that I chose to confront the very ones that scare the shit outta me. Saw little me, sec sch me, jc me and uni me. What a whole load of shit. Most of which I've forgotten. They say there is power in the very words you speak, and I realized I said a lot of stupid things when I was a kid. All the death vows, the unhealthy beliefs - I wonder what took me so long to let them go. What...just what was I holding onto?

I cannot believe how much I've refused to acknowledge that part of me. Cannot believe I've disowned her...until it came to the forgiveness part, and I couldn't, just couldn't do it. I wondered how long it took in the process, 2hours maybe? But it took 20ish years in life. And right here right now as I am typing this, I feel a joyous...one can almost call it liberation? Welcome home my gals. Guess we've never really left each other.

Pink balloon. Orange balloon. Lime-green balloon. Sky blue balloon.

My truth

 

Gratitude

Sometimes, life takes an unexpected turn and throws one in a turmoil of events. Being me, I was filled with so much anger and resentment...until someone told me - be grateful.

Over the weekend of "million miles running in my head per millisecond", I've got the word "Gratitude" in my face every single day.

So yes, I've decided to sit myself down and do the listing I'm supposed to do.

Things I'm grateful for:

• Having a roof over my head every night I return home
• Having a bed to crawl into and snuggle in every time I don't feel so good
• Having the aptitude to get above-par grades
• Having a university education, having an education
• Having a fantastic work environment and totally cool bosses
  
• Having people who love me
• Having people to love
• Having celebratory dinners every 25th
• Having celebrated 23 birthdays
• Having presence
  
• Being able to write the things I write
• Being able to speak the things I speak, the way I speak
• Being able to carry a tune
• Being able to groove to tunes
• Being able to produce tunes from nowhere
• Being able to tell others' stories through my craft
• The stories in my life - they made the VaL today
• My brother who has forgiven me, and has always been here for me
• My grandmother who never fails to irritate me with her caring naggings
• Mummy
• Daddy
• Him
• All the other hims in my life - they taught me to cherish this him that I'm with
• Nikky
• Diana
• Yanting
  
• Mdm - what will I do without her?
• Occasional courage
  
• The Journey - its team, the love, the everything
  
• Feelings
  
• Sitting behind him on the bike, riding towards the big full moon - in awe of the beauty, feeling the cold cold wind on my cheeks

Life, is beautiful. Celebrate moments.

Gratitude

 

From me to you

I know, I've been a bum and not updating. Have taken this pic eons ago and finally got down to uploading it.

This post is in response to Mr. X's 57th Post. *smiles*

I'm glad you like the present, after all. 加油吧 - It's "****" for a reason, remember?

From me to you

 

原点

Nikky brought this song up in the midst of our mystery project discussion. Surprise surprise...it actually stuck...such that after so many years, someone remembers it.

Wrote the lyrics when I was 15..it was a much much longer version - more lor soh hahas.

Recorded it when I turned 20. So much had changed by then...yet, some things never.

Lemme know what you think - me want all the comments, feedback...suggestions for improvement, too!

Lyrics:

原点

 

His little mystery

His little mystery

 

Of sunrises and good omens

A pic I snapped with my handphone while waiting for Mdm to pick me up for my first assignment as her AD (assistant director)...



Staring at it from the bus-stop...it filled me with calmness. Almost as if it were preparing me for the turmoil of the work later.

Still, I saw it as a good omen. And I'm gonna trust in this one.

Of sunrises and good omens

 

Tatarah July Babe of the Month

For some really strange reason, this photo with my "almost surprised" expression got me the Tatarah Babe of the Month title. To everyone who spared time to vote, many many sincere thanks from VaL indeed.

Watch out for the print edition of me on STUFF magazine cover in July! ;)

Tatarah July Babe of the Month