欣旅惠語 VaL's Journey

我懂

《我懂》
词/曲：陈欣惠

分手一个月 时间就这样地过
记得离开的那一天 心痛得快要不能活

你问为什么 要勉强一个人过
是否知道你的想念 我却似乎已没了感觉

一个人的生活 虽然有时很难受
但跟你在一起的每一刻 我承担着三个人的痛

有心爱我 无心伤害我
却还是抵挡不住诱惑
不要再对我说你爱我
安静地呐喊 不要再骗我

有心爱我 无心伤害我
却还是一再残忍挥霍
视而不见也会有尽头
好想告诉你 我懂
我（都）懂

Finally got the verses, bridge out for the chorus that came that fateful morning. Do drop me your comments and feedback k.

Now I just need to get down to recording it. Any volunteer musicians (pianists)?

我懂

Clearing the consciousness of betrayal

Not gonna be a long post. Just wanted to pen down these words I hold dear to my heart. Had a process-swap with Mdm this morning. Did mine in the record breaking time of less than 3 hours. Remembered the times when my processes are at least 4-hour long. Seems like moving out makes clearing much much easier. That's besides the point, shall get to the words -

"Pride can shroud you from a lot of things...but not truth.

Clearing the consciousness of betrayal

很想对你说

What I hold so dearly to my heart, are the walks and talks we share - this unmistakable sync in our steps in our companionship. Yet...taking this step towards each other, towards togetherness, a part of me fears that things may change.

I don't know why or what made you take this leap of faith after what- 7 years? And I do know that if I were to take this leap myself, I want to take it in faith, with faith...not out of my previous hurt, not bringing my past baggage, not out of true desperation to just grab onto the next savior that comes along.

I am unable to do so just yet. And it's beautiful...the way you put it -

I could never find a girl who could appreciate life as well as you do, with so many common interests, like listening to the same music and everything... ...Here and there I've someone coming in and out of my life. It's just that these people made me realise that your lifestyle complements mine most. And that we can get along well.

As much as I know I should be touched and that I want to feel touched. You said, "Everything is subtle." And perhaps...I was subtly touched, somehow.

很想对你说：“知道吗？我怕。”

很想对你说

It's ok to let your heart break

Came home at 7ish am last morning. Long long night. Long long talks. A brief moment of truthful pain from me. Hot hot shower. Lying on my bed, staring at the star-less ceiling -

The chorus of my next song flowed. Flowed from a place of truth...where it's ok to feel pained, ok to be hurt, ok to let my heart break...

有心爱我 无心伤害我
却还是抵挡不住诱惑
不要再对我说你爱我
安静地呐喊 不要再骗我

有心爱我 无心伤害我
却还是一再残忍挥霍
视而不见也会有尽头
好想告诉你 我懂 我（都）懂

And it broke. Broke into the million pieces it should have weeks ago. Broke into the irreparable bits it would have if I'd just allow it. And sobbing from that place of truthful pain, my long held-back emotions came. And today...I let myself feel, bit by bit again.

It's ok to let your heart break

Writing from my guilt

While we were working on ep 7 of My World My Blog, Mdm told me, "Hold me to high standards. So that I write from my soul, not from my guilt." And ep 7 was born. Beautiful beautiful story that haunts both Mdm and myself.

Kept reminding myself, to stay to truth and not run away anymore. Yet...today, I've moved out. Till that eventful night, I've not picked up calls. Running huge circles. I still have to face my guilt.

Yes, I am guilty, too.

Guilty of pushing people I love, and who love me back away. Guilty of not being to open up to him. When I found out about my condition, the first person I went to was Mdm. When I needed to go back to painting to vent the shit I was feeling, the first person I thought of was Yikai. I chose to spend my free nights at the editing suite of 360. I chose to spend my free weekends on set filming. I chose to go to India to film the documentary over staying in Singapore with him. I pushed him away.

I'd held on too tightly in my first relationship - phone, email, friendster, MSN checking. Tracing every movement...yet - the inevitable happened. Threading carefully this time round, I still couldn't help the gut feeling that something was going wrong. I bash myself up with every urge to check his phone and accounts. I hated myself for suspecting, especially when he buys gifts for no reasons, especially when he shows me photos taken when he was out at XXX with his buddies, especially when my body automatically flinches away from his arms. So I pushed him away.

Immersing myself in dream-chasing. Wanting to become a producer of truth. Working on my screen story-telling skills. Sought solace and comfort in the one thing I knew I was good at. Silently muffling my screams, "Don't hide. Don't lie. Don't lie again. I know." Becoming the perfect epitome of "视而不见".

Today, I still bash myself up for believing the promises. "Cx promises you, Cx不再花了...and Cx never breaks his promises." And so I believed. And believing, I spiraled us into this route of drifting apart, of lies and deceit. And I am unable to walk out of this guilt.

Mdm said, "I've walked here today, writing ep7...to realize - it's ok. You were only doing what you knew to do. No one can teach anyone how to be in a relationship. It's ok."

Mdm...hurry come back and tell me it's ok again.

Writing from my guilt

Grabbing onto a wish

Been an eventful night last night. Remembered Mdm saying, "There must be a reason why I'm leaving you alone in the house for 10 days."

I haven't teared just yet. Knowing that it's painful is one thing. Feeling nothing is another. I tried. I stayed open. Wide open...waiting, waiting for the emotions to come flooding - Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

What...just what am I holding onto? Why is it always so unsafe to feel? I don't have to do this alone I know. Support is always here I know. Yet... Still, nothing.

Mdm texted me this evening, "Nothing to let go of. Give you a wish to grab onto so you can grab anything you want and let it be with you."

I wish...

Grabbing onto a wish

How can anyone be so certain?

"I wanna share my life with you."

"Let's go explore ... ... and possibly explore our future together."

How...can anyone be so so so certain? Where...did all that come from? When...did it all started? Questions after questions. Yet both of us have decided to go off and go searching for answers in our minds. I doubt my slightly very broken heart will give me any accurate answers for some time.

Perhaps relationships from the heart are too risky.

"Yes I need a lot of space. Yet, I was wondering if I've found the girl I'd be willing to change for." It always begins this way, doesn't it?

"承熹不会、不要再花了。" Yet...look at where I've ended up, and what I've ended with today.

*Hum Bao* a few text messages and I was ready to become a puddle of tears. Tempting. So ever tempting to just fall into this very loving embrace. Smart. Sophisticated. Future. FUTURE. No funny histories. No other gals. No lifestyle differences. Tempting. Very.

Am I looking for someone to rescue me...the same way I'm refusing to rescue Xi?

How can anyone be so certain?