欣旅惠語 VaL's Journey

欣惠 Val's Showreels (playlist)

2012-01-12T23:57:00.000+08:00

do something nice for yourself

2011-12-07T05:03:00.001+08:00

Here's an invitation:

What did you do?

the fear of healing

2011-12-04T05:47:00.001+08:00

We are all afraid to heal

Especially when all it takes

Is something as simple as...

Picking up those old paintbrushes and paint what you really feel like

Taking a step closer to the microphone, closer to yourself... and listen to yourself

Opening your heart to receive...because you deserve it

Spending time with yourself at your favourite spot on earth

It's called inertia

The tendency for us to remain status quo

Because it is more familiar, more comfortable, more assuring

We don't want to heal

We don't want to be responsible, raw, naked, excuse-less

We are all afraid to heal

Guilt

2011-11-28T12:48:00.001+08:00

Guilt is a horrible feeling
It is something that gnaws at every single living molecule in your being
Reminding you through pain of its existence
Yet, it won't let you die

Guilt keeps you alive
Until you are completely, utterly
Gone
And you're still not absolved from it

I think I'm afraid to feel guilty

That's why I'm always so self-righteous

That's why "I'm always right"

Because I'm afraid to be wrong

Guilt

I won't have you reign over me

I am surrendering into you

And when you are finally done with me

I will be free to be

guilty

"This is going to take time"

2011-11-23T04:19:00.001+08:00

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change.

Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you.

Love them and release them.

Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

- Sara Paddin

I had a nightmare last night...最可恶的噩梦

2011-11-23T01:06:00.001+08:00

I had a nightmare last night

In my dream

Everything was perfect

The lights, the people, the life

The kind of life I'd wanted to lead

I awoke

And realised

That was the worst nightmare I've had

最可恶的噩梦

不是梦到坠楼、追杀、还是被怪兽吃掉

最可恶的噩梦

是当你梦到美梦成真

是当你体验到理想生活

是当你醒来的时候

发现

那

只是一场梦

An invitation to LISTEN

2010-10-22T09:14:00.000+08:00

A lot in our lives have changed since my last post here. Taiwan, Japan, and now Molokai. "Everyday is a new adventure!" And it cannot get true-er.

On a healing island like this, I am ever so thankful to be given safe space and nourishing lessons to nurture and grow into myself - the me that talks to plants, animals, hear wonderful stories, have strong intuition, the Goddess in me :)

Today marks the first day of my green drink fast and silence vow. I prefer to call it my "Listening Retreat".

Listen -

To my body and the miracles that constantly happen within and without it.

To my soul and its connection to all that exists.

Yes, I am Listening.

--

Today's gardening experience:
A butterfly crawled onto my palm when I laid my hand down. It stopped in the middle, staring at me, motion-less. For a moment, I was afraid to breathe. Afraid that any movement will scare it away. The butterfly cocks its head to the side; as if to say, "Now what?"

Tears well up in my eyes as we continue staring at each other, locked in a moment so still, so gentle.

Finally, I walked to the nearest flower and guided the butterfly towards it. It took a few steps and stopped. Making sure that I was watching, it hopped a couple more steps and leapt into the air - wings fluttering. My heart leapt with it, and in that moment life called out to me.

Today, I listened to the flutter of those wings. And I feel life - in between the fluttering.

Seeking Understanding

2010-05-03T18:14:00.000+08:00

我是如此的不明白
为何要活在“没有”里？

你说
你不明白
为什么我俩可以做出如此“烂”的东西

你说
你不知道
我们一个月的时间花在哪里？

我想说
你可以对不起自己
你可以看不起自己

但请不要放弃
也不要忘了
眼前的“珍惜”

Written after "snap out of it!" discussion. I wish, I could be more understanding. Maybe I could never fully understand the pain behind those editing screens. Maybe I could never fully understand those framed expectations. But I wish. I do wish. I could be more understanding.

A moment of loss

2010-01-09T12:58:00.001+08:00

I'm bad with goodbyes. Like really, really bad.

I remember the times when all my Hwa Chong friends had farewells at the airport prior to leaving for overseas studies... and I'd find all sorts of excuses not to go. Because I don't know how to say goodbye. The closer the person is to me, the worse it gets; I'd try ways and means to be detached.

So when my closest closest sister friends, Nikky, was leaving for the States for 2 years...both Diana and I draggggged till less than 10 hours she left before meeting her for the farewell lunch. I am bad with goodbyes. Similarly, 3 years ago, before I left for Shanghai, we had farewell supper a few hours before my flight in the morning. I think we were all trying to deny that we're leaving each other.

There's always blogs, facebook, emails, skype.

But hey. Nikky, 我想念你了。

We were helping a producer look for talents to act as sisters yesterday when SH asked, "So who would you recommend to act with you as your sister?"

Without thinking, I replied, "Ni..." and caught your name hanging in mid air. It finally sank in - you're thousands of miles away. It'd be a long long while before I hear that familiar tinkle in your laughter, see you roll your eyes, and gossip effortlessly in taiwanese mandarin with you and Diana. *grimaces*

霎那間的失落。。。I left the room and took a moment to miss this dear friend. Standing at the hallway, I wonder how she's doing over there. Could she be standing in her hallway, amidst unpacking...and thinking about home, too?

It's 70 days before I leave for my cycling around the world trip. Many many more goodbyes to say between now and then.

“再見” - 我們真的會再見嗎？

不放棄夢想的小孩 wants to Go Around The World

2009-12-16T12:44:00.000+08:00

大人總喜歡對小孩說：“永遠永遠不要放棄夢想。”

但是為什麼放棄夢想的都是大人？

-- 幾米《我的錯都是大人的錯》

不想長大的我

想到世界的每一個角落

收集很多很多大人的

寫著 "I BELIEVE" 的手掌

喚醒曾經

我們都是不想長大的小孩

喚醒曾經

我們都是不放棄夢想的小孩

I Believe That Dreams Can Come True

2009-12-14T12:25:00.000+08:00

"It's Madness!" I still mutter that to myself, sometimes.
When I think about getting stranded on some long long road, with no civilisation in sight.
When I think about not knowing where I'd be, who I'd meet tomorrow.
When I think about cycling. Enough said.

Yet nothing...
Nothing is as "madness" as
The fear of missing
What lies ahead

害怕錯過前方的什麼。。。

And so, the journey goes on:

2 girls on their bicycles.
a project to...
go Around The World
documenting dreams Inspiring Dreams
despite Without A Cent

Simply because,
I Believe That Dreams Can Come True.

Dreams are...

2009-12-10T21:41:00.000+08:00

Dreams are...

The permission to do the things we truly love
The possibility to become someone greater

What do your dreams mean to you?

In this moment, I feel...Like a Star

2009-12-06T17:59:00.000+08:00

Once in a while, a song comes along and puts a smile on one's face
And then the tears come, even before you notice

A voice like this, a commitment like this, a soul like this
Makes me ever thankful to be alive at this moment

Savour it...

生日永遠快樂！！！

2009-12-02T21:55:00.002+08:00

我有一个小心愿

每年生日都会许的愿：

明年吧

明年生日，一定快樂！

P.S. 如果我不再奢望，心願是不是就會實踐？

脫口的坦白

2009-12-01T19:13:00.008+08:00

記得一次面試的時候，被問到，“為什麼喜歡lights, camera, action？”

連停下來想兩下都沒有

我脫口就回

“可能在現實生活中，我們很難以真實的自己面對別人。為了防備、為了替他人著想、為了面子。。。
但是只要你把camera 擺在我的面前，
我就無法不做自己。”

是這句話把我送到 Mexico 吧？

是這句話讓我踏上旅程

我記得了

所以今天

我決定

從新，從心

開始

我的熒幕

再度綻放色彩

幸福就是走難走的路 - 尋找一份肯定

2009-12-01T00:08:00.001+08:00

You told me

選擇走路去紐約

路途雖然更長久

但路上會更精彩

是你開了這道門

是你給了我機會

把我送上了這條

“到紐約的路”

它充滿了功課

有我最最最

畏懼的

否定

我是在探索

也是在探險

尋找著

一份肯定

難道

幸福就是走難走的路嗎？

I Believe That Dreams Can Come True

2009-11-06T11:17:00.009+08:00

I have a dream:
To make people's dreams come true.

Help me make this happen.
Join the group.
Spread the word.

I need
10,000 members in 10 days.
By 17 Nov 2009

"Because I Believe
That Dreams Can Inspire Dreams
and Dreams Can Come True."

Once upon a time, we all had Dreams -

To do something. Be somebody.

Perhaps we were too young then

Perhaps dreaming was something only the rich could afford

Perhaps it is safer to follow the crowd and do the right thing

Perhaps there are commitments now

Perhaps

Enough time has passed

We can only choose to forget the long overdue Dream

The Dream

That someday, we could do something we love

be someone greater

What if you still remember yours?

What if somewhere inside you still wants to accomplish the Dream?

What if some moments in your life were spent what-if-ing?

And one of those what-ifs were

"What if I believe?"

And for that one fleeting moment

You'd believed

Believed that Dreams Can Come True

Join this group

Support fellow Dream chasers

Spread the Belief

Because

When you Believe

Dreams really Can Come True

Share

Dreams: 被遗失的梦想

2009-10-31T22:32:00.002+08:00

征求[被遗失的梦想]

你有梦想吗？你还记得它是什么吗？

它曾经在你的生命出现过。。。

可能，“实际”、“没钱”、“取笑”、“精疲力尽”取代了它。

或许，我们选择遗忘它，让它遗失在一层又一层的现实生活中。

《只想说声对不起》制作组放下了包袱，决定流浪天涯，寻找[被遗失的梦想]。

如果你也有个[被遗失的梦想]与我们分享，请发电邮到 dreams@simplyis.com.sg

我们等你出发！

放下了包袱，流浪天涯。。。寻找[被遗失的梦想]

Once upon a time, we all had Dreams - To do something. Be somebody.

Do you still remember yours?

Simply IS Productions is on the search for forgotten Dreams.

Join us at dreams@simplyis.com.sg

i want to go on

2009-10-29T18:47:00.003+08:00

"Health" - it is the imperative to joy and abundance.

I had a post on my first training day all written, full of excitement and sense of accomplishment, but I don't know where to start or how to share. Because whatever high I've gotten from finishing that 2 hour walk was sizzled and fizzled off by a fever the next morning.

I can kick myself for this, really. A thousand fears and blames and what-nots crept in...
I did not hydrate enough.
I did not warm up enough.
I am not good enough.

Determined to pick myself up, determined not to slack off from the planned training schedule, I went for another 2 hour walk come Wednesday. I didn't care if I was going to run another fever. I didn't care that my throat was aching. Heck, I didn't care that my partner was sick, too.

Because all I cared about, was keeping up, was being enough. Because if I don't do this properly, I will never complete my first task of 1,500km, and never find anyone to support us, and never, NEVER fulfill our dreams.

SH and I ended up with a big fight halfway through our walk - we were both tired, and limits slightly very stretched. She was worried about money - for the project, for the company, for rent, for everything. I was in complete denial. And we both ended up with really, really bad attitudes towards each other. The fight was a perfect distraction from what we were both facing and struggling with - our seemingly very bleak future.

SH called "half-time" on our walk back home. And we stopped by a staircase to "breathe and talk"...and I noticed this on the wall:

a gentle reminder

And I stopped.
Stopped spiraling into the what-ifs.
Stopped playing victim of not-enoughs.
Stopped worrying about the future.

I looked around:

peace is just a thought away

It was a beautiful night. We had stumbled upon this walking trail - nestled away from the traffic and crowds.
我們擁有著彼此。

Enough Val. Enough.

For the 4 hours of training I'd clocked this week, I was doing nothing but concentrating on breathing correctly. Feel how the air is cooler as it enters my nostrils when I inhale, feel how the air that leaves my nostrils is warmer as I exhale. Focus. Be present. Have fun.

One fever, one cough and I threw everything out of the window and go haywire. I forgot to acknowledge myself, I forgot to acknowledge my partner. I took on the baggage of my ill-health history. I started worrying about the unknown future. I forgot all about the present moment.

I forgot that when I am present, how much fun I could have. I forgot that when I'm present, everything becomes a positive sign...

little things like getting ready can be an affirmation of commitment

walking on a Monday morning and secretly laughing at people rushing to work

a bike wooshing past and thanking grace for the "positive sign"

a toy train, a merry-go-round - signs that dreams come true are just round the corner

a first step

I forgot how happy I was when I'd completed my 2 hour walk and breathing healthily:

happy (:

I decided to drop the past baggage and future woes.
I became grateful for the present.

The walk home was beautiful.
I made it home.
One step at a time...

the second step

I want to go on.

Taking that first step

2009-10-26T01:10:00.003+08:00

I live on the 5th floor of an old old walk-up apartment.
Walk-up.
No lifts.
That's 66 steps down, and another 66 steps back up, daily.

I've conquered those stairs day 1 when I moved in, with furniture.
I've conquered those stairs many days with filming equipment, props, my trusty laptop.
I've conquered those stairs weekly, with groceries.

Everytime I start climbing the stairs, I stand on the ground floor, look up and go:

That's how I feel right now. It's 0048 Hours on a Monday Morning, just a couple of hours from my first training session.

Here's a little announcement:

We are training for a 1,500 km bicycle ride.

Saying this much for now.

And I am scared shitless.

I flew (literally) from my bike one evening when I went riding with my brother and Dad many many years ago. I broke my arm. My Dad banned me from cycling thereafter. I was young enough to be banned, that was how long ago it was. Nowadays, I still have hairs stand on ends down my entire spine when I get on a bike. My mind wanders to the very moment when I flew off my bike and everything stood still while I flew past - wooooooosh! The last time I bike was last year. It was a leisure cycling trip. Nothing sporty, nothing serious.

And nothing close to the 1,500 km I have committed to complete.

Having been exempted from NAFA and PE (normal affairs in so many friends' and family's lives) since 14, that's a good 11 years of non-training. I'm not one to be known for health. I list down yoga and dancing as my exercise regime; which I take on maybe once in a very very blue moon. The last time I jogged was half a year ago.

66 steps to reach home can turn my face white.

Yet I have committed to embark on, and complete this challenge - physically, mentally, emotionally. I am scared shitless.

Writing this, I realised how determined I am to do this. Enough to admit that I'm scared. Enough to actually put this down in words.

I chant to myself everytime I climb those steps, "One by one. One more step. One step at a time."

I hit the wall on the 3rd floor, where I go, "Damn! Why do we live on the 5th floor???" My Naonao then says, "Reaching soon. Only a bit left. You've already climbed 3 floors!"

Before I know it, I'm home.

All it took was that first step.

So here I am. Taking that first step, with absolute resolution:

A 2 hour walk tomorrow morning. Training every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Walks, runs, cycles... until I can clock 50km a day.

Along the way, I know I'll meet many many more 3rd floor walls - we have no proper footwear, no trainer, no bicycles even. But I have a partner, a soulmate, a fellow challenger to walk this with, someone to tell me, "Almost there. Reaching soon!" - and I am ever so thankful.

One step at a time.

Step 1, here I come.

Life Lived - Creatively

2009-10-24T23:55:00.002+08:00

What happens what you commit to something fully?

Like 100% - time, energy, money, brain-juice and what have you not resources?

You turn to "Creativity".

My Naonao and I made a decision to live life creatively, and have fun while at it.

It was only a decision made. Yet, it seemed like we became 2 different persons, in a good way.

Creative Living 1:
Wear something you've never worn in your wardrobe. (We figured once we embarked on our adventure, we'd not have many chances to wear the many unworn pieces in our wardrobe anyway).

For me, I dug out something from the bag of clothes Diana passed to me when we went her place for a meeting, before we left for Taiwan...and wore one a day. New clothes, new brains - or something to that effect hahs.

For her, it was a solution borne out of necessity - her clothes were all in the wash; she had to wear something mine. I got to choose (and I chose a dress)! Am not putting the photo here, it's on the website of the new project we're on; which I will reveal soooooooooon :P

We took our new skins and went scribbling, squabbling at wherever we felt like for the entire week. Along the ways, invented new ways to live creatively...

Something's Brewing...

Creative Living 2:
Put on thinking caps. We saw an interesting couple wearing artist's peak caps (what do you call those?) and I went, "I have them! Somewhere at home..."

The next day, I dug the caps out and termed them "Thinking Caps" - caps we put on when we run out of points-of-views and solutions.

Once put on, we will magically see the issue at hand differently, and have a creative solution.

We wore them on the day we embarked on a very very creative-driven project...

"Work is Love Made Visible" - making dreams come true

By the time we got our hands dirty working on the project, our hats were off heh~

Brewing, Brewing...

...Furiously

What's brewing?

Tell you in a bit :P

Back in Action

2009-10-22T23:50:00.011+08:00

I am back in action. Yes.

In a nutshell:
Back from a backpacking trip in Taiwan, met with a life-changing event, made life-changing decisions and am aiming to:

Live my dreams - Prepare for an adventure of a lifetime
Achieve this, creatively
Focus

Check back as the plan unveils :P

来不及的对不起

2009-09-09T04:51:00.002+08:00

8 Sep marked the debut of the very first TV program Val "starred in"... as the Producer/Director. The journey had been, and is still, full of learnings, life-mirrors, lessons and indeed, blessings.

"P.S. I'm Sorry"'s first episode was about a sorry almost too late. A message so simple, and over preached. Yet, how often we need such gentle reminders. 说不出口的话，不要等到来不及说。 I remembered breaking my head (and heart) over bringing the message out in the episode - what is it really, that needs to be said through Angel's story/sorry?

“不好意思”、"paiseh la"、"很malu leh" are convenient denials we often hide behind, no? Many of us are lucky enough to get multiple chances. And many of us, still leave the unsaid...unsaid, even after the last moment.

I asked myself, if there's one thing that is on top of the unsaid list, what would it be?

"I love you, mummy."

I had the multiple chances.

When she found out she had cancer, I was the first person she confided in.
I was so scared. So scared she would no longer be there the next morning I awoke.
Did I stretch my arms out to hug her and tell her I love her?
No I didn't.
I pat her hands and told her she'd be fine. I called friends up to get doctor referrals. I offered to accompany her on her hospital trips. I did everything else but tell her what I was really trying to say through all those actions.

When I was at the airport saying goodbye, I hugged everybody, including her. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying the whole night before I left. I was so guilty. So guilty for leaving everyone, especially her behind to pursue something I wanted to call "my own".
Did I look at her in her eyes and tell her I love her?
No I didn't.
I hugged her last and walked straight into the gantry without turning back. I told her ramblings of my new life every time she called. I even came home to spring a mother's day surprise on her. I played the waiting game...and god knows, I am still waiting today.

Waiting for “来不及”?

I know, I'm slow. And 4 months after my first meeting with Angel, 2 weeks after finishing producing the entire episode, and a few hours after watching the telecast version on TV, I finally realized why I was so adamant on making this story debut as the first episode. A message so simple, yet so ignored, even by the preacher herself. A message we've been trying to repeat throughout the entire series. A message that was the very reason why the program existed in the first place.

And today, I acknowledge what I need to say. Now, I make a decision and commitment to say it. Not by actions. Not by games. By the next time I hug my mummy goodbye, I will look her in the eye and say,

"I love you mummy."

Love is.Truth is. Life Simply IS.

anyone there?

2009-06-02T21:58:00.000+08:00

It's Tuesday.
10 days after I'd set home with the "ah-ha" moments collected, ready for my proposal.
It's 10PM right now.
10 hours after I'd opened my proposal.
I am STILL staring at it.

I feel like this right now...

Showers of Blessings

2009-05-31T11:33:00.000+08:00

I was brought up to laugh with my mouth covered
Ah Ma always says, "Zar bor kia, mai chio gao ga-ga kio (女孩子，不要张口大笑），
笑的时候，要这样 [covers mouths and laughs demurely to demo]"

With all due respect to my dearest, loveliest Ah Ma -
能够仰着头，开怀大笑
是很幸福，很幸福的！

这样子的幸福

我好想与你们分享。。。

Emptying Out

2009-05-23T22:23:00.056+08:00

Got into the second car accident in my life; and got away alive, largely unscathed. So am sending my deepest gratitude to all angels in my life - for keeping me and my love safe...and alive.

Our lives took a challenging turn ever since that night. Everything we thought we'd learnt over the months were tested - the trust we've had in each other, the determination to walk our talk together, the synchronity in the way we work, the patience, the everything... Fights, tears, fears. Throughout, I'm thankful for little reminders that we've walked home alive that night to walk this together, to rebuild what we already have - together.

So love, if you're reading this...

I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I love you.

I'm sorry for being less patient and harsh, moments I'd forgotten I fear bcos I love.
Thank you for being with me, regardless; loving me, regardless.
I love you - enough said :)

Sitting at Coffee Nations cafe, discussing about work and finally realizing it was a process of emptying out for both of us...is a moment I so very cherish.

亲爱的，谢谢你陪我一起疯、一起哭、一起笑。。。

Determined to walk out of Coffee Nations renewed, rejuvenated, ready to restart our lives, we emptied both our wallets of every single cent and spent all we had (which isn't that much, really) on lunch/dinner there.

I'd more in my wallet...

Sentiments I've kept with me over the months/years - a hundred pesos from Mexico and lucky coins from various places. I left them in a magazine with a note:

I'm walking out of this place, renewed and ready to start my life brand new. I'm leaving behind memories from past relationships and even memories of Mexico. I went there in search of "family" and its meaning. Today, I've found home. Because, as long as I'm willing to acknowledge...Home is where the heart is. I'm already home.

On a side note: Case of accident was settled with car owner and agent finally...and on this note, both Love and I would like to thank Cheng Xi for his big big heart, graciousness and that down-to-earth kindness. We wouldn't have been able to walk away from aliwal st, with that much relief, without you. So from us to you - big big thank you.

Being Thankful (despite the despites)

2009-05-05T13:13:00.002+08:00

Been grousing and lamenting and sighing much over the last few days and am determined to get myself out of THAT mode.

So, taking a deep breath in...
and then sighing it all out...

I want to list down the things I am thankful for despite the despites:

taking time and making an effort to do this
sitting down in my newly redecorated home
having to pick at the SMU core of myself
going for a feel-good leisure jog with Love last evening
having planned what Simply IS, is
having brainstormed about the stories
finally starting on the Postcard series
having Ben & Jerry's in bed, over DVD
sitting through "YES Man" and learning to say "YES" and then actually meaning it
having Love's friends over for dinner and talking about old times and actually being familiar in it
cooking up a storm in the kitchen and giggling over - well, nothing :)
marketing (on a Sunday morning)!

I feel MUCH better already :))

“我原谅你们。”

2009-04-29T13:19:00.002+08:00

敬爱的Daddy Mummy：

“我原谅你们。”
可能这句话
来得很莫名其妙
甚至是很没礼貌

可能这句话
我比你们
更需要听到
“我原谅你们。”

原谅你们的无知
原谅你们也不过只是人
原谅你们
用你们所懂的方式
用你们所拥有的资源
爱我、呵护我
抚养我成人

原谅你们的无奈
原谅你们并不是神
原谅你们
有不知道和没有答案的时候
有情绪、有困扰、有害怕
还是爱我，还是保护我
让我成人

我们都是先学着做儿女
再学着做父母
每一次都是第一次
每一次你我都是彼此的导师与学生

因为如此，我谢谢你们：

“爱”这一堂课 - 谢谢你们
原来会恨因为很爱
原来爱的方式不只是一个
原来爱在我还没来到这个世界时已开始
原来爱在多次的伤害后却未曾停止
原来爱一直到现在
原来爱我也有本事

“对不起”这一堂课 - 谢谢你们
原来会对不起因为爱
原来对不起可以是一种表示
原来对不起已经不知不觉
原来对不起我早已听到
原来对不起你们没有想要我说

“原谅”这一堂课 - 谢谢你们
原来会原谅也因为爱
原来原谅是一种感激
原来原谅。。。
让我们继续爱

每次我的“情书”，都不知道
你们是否看到、听到

“我原谅你们。”
我很肯定

你们已经听到了

云

2009-04-24T12:31:00.002+08:00

我们本来是一朵云
风来了
吹散了

所以你是你
然后我是我
来到这世界

找回“我们”
找回
一朵云

寻梦云

2009-04-23T20:32:00.002+08:00

雨过天晴后
太阳透过云
是一道彩虹

我就是那一朵云
那朵寻梦云：

Diana emailed me about Fire Rainbows and I got so fascinated with them that I googled for their photos. When I saw this particular photo I went, "嗯！That's me, that's the kind of cloud I wanna be!"

这样子的“火焰彩虹”

是云

是天时地利人和

是相信

是很自然的奇迹

一朵云的故事

2009-04-15T11:48:00.002+08:00

有人问我

“你是谁？”

我想

我说

我就是

一朵云：

Longing (to be heard)

2009-04-13T12:00:00.002+08:00

Am stepping into the recording studio in 5 hours' time. Remembered the times I was in the studio with Laoshi and how I'd always ended up in tears, feeling completely defeated and utterly hopeless at singing.

有人问我唱歌时，在唱什么？

唱“听海” - 唱海的声音
唱“我知道你很难过” - 唱眼泪的声音
技巧，我可能很不到佳
感觉，我总是百分百

那唱“原点”的时候呢？

15岁那年
我在唱一个15岁少女单恋，然后失恋的故事
在唱自己的故事

25岁的今天
我要唱的
是我的故事
是他和她的故事
唱每一个听众
心目中
自己的故事

唱
你的故事

就因为
我的梦想
就是帮别人讲故事
讲你的故事

世界

宇宙

我要唱歌了

你听到了吗？

The Little Soul and the Sun

2009-04-12T07:35:00.002+08:00

Received the story one morning in my email and fell in love with it. Decided to draw for it and make it into a little booklet for Qais-ians as a farewell and thank you gift.

Of course, I kept the original for Love :) And she insisted I post in on the Program's FB page.

Thought I'll share it with everyone here; a little piece of Val and her philosophy lately:

You can view the entire booklet here.

Let me know what you think! :)

Homecoming II

2009-04-11T08:53:00.002+08:00

最近
想家了

最近
和亲爱的　
一起回家
吃饭

最近
家才在隔壁街
却很没有勇气
回家

我想家了

家人，

想我吗？

Growing Up

2009-04-10T16:47:00.002+08:00

Been told to do an introduction of myself for an interview selection for a Taiwanese Company. Looking back, remembering the times with 黎沸辉老师, I realized how far I've traveled from:

“嗨大家好！我是来至新加坡的陈欣惠，今年xx岁。很高兴来到这里，和大家分享。。。etc.”

*Shudders* Love said, "Don't ever let me catch you doing such a superficial self-introduction of yourself ever. You are so over that. You are more than that."

*Nods furiously* I AM so over that phase.
Then again, who am I NOW?

Co-dreamchaser with the Love of my life

Co-owner of Simply IS
Understudy Producer
Newbie Production Manager
Struggling Prover of this and that?

Storyteller
Writer
Composer
Singer
Actor
...and more recently, I've been itching to dance (again)
Dancer?

Painter
of Thoughts
of Emotions
of Mood
of Love, Life and Hope?

Many many question marks. I must have grown. How so? I'm not so sure actually. Browsing through my old writings, songs, reels and paintings even, I'm definitively sure that Val is much much bigger now that she was.

Recently, I co-painted a picture with Love. Incidentally, it's called “舞”.

白色的彩带
阳刚地荡漾着
委婉地浮漂着
洒满
爱

My (Our) painting has definitely "grown" in style and story-telling.

I must really learn to play big, and be the big big me that I already am. Love mentioned, "The confident you only surfaces enough for people to catch glimpses here and there."

Hoping, praying, fingers-crossing - that these glimpses become moments that are held...and lengthened...and become a beautiful way of life :)

Homecoming I

2009-03-31T23:21:00.002+08:00

Listing

2009-03-24T23:23:00.002+08:00

As it is:

Left Qais - left the corporate world, the 9 to 5, the agency life. Relieved yet apprehensive. Excited yet scared shitless. Beginning to unlearn and relearn the meaning of trust and hope.

Took a one week break - to do nothing, to read, to meet people, to write, to paint, to sing. Did none of the above. Yet enjoyed every moment of it. The walking around, the tau huay trips, the porridge trips, the photo-taking, the grocery shopping, the cooking, the tiffs, the tempers, the everything. Cherished. Loved. Remembered. Beginning to undefine and redefine the meaning of trust and love.

Auditions - closed the chapter of "More than Words" and said what I really meant (for once); opened the door to "Chinese Rose" and performed like it was my last performance, for the team, for Rose Chan, for 亲爱的, for myself. Beginning to unexperience and re-experience the meaning of trust and dreams.

Started work proper at Simply IS - brainstorming at Starbucks; listening to people's pain, courage, love, hope, anguish; looking into my mirrors and saying thank you; long long to-do lists; tracing the growth of www.sorry.sg. Beginning to fully comprehend, "Work is love made visible".

Life is made up of moments. Moments to remember...

Coming out of Substation from "More than Words" and being hugged in the rain
Coming out of York Hotel from "Chinese Rose", tinggling from high-ness
Holding hands in taxis, throughout the rides
Creating sparks at Starbucks
Putting our ginger into someone else's trolley and then running away, giggling like 2 teenagers
Visiting the past
Throwing away clothes
Laughing, and then laughing some more
Strolling in town on a weekday, hand-in-hand
Going for a swim during "office hours"
Having quiet time, just a wall apart

Saying Thank You to a "Mum" - I

2009-03-12T11:26:00.002+08:00

Found some gifts on my workdesk and a little note in my inbox this morning:

Dear Val,

It is your last day at Qais, but that is not a goodbye between us. It’s just the end of one phase of our relationship.

I wanted you to have three things always, which is why the very little gift on your table:
Light (tea lights)
Wealth & Prosperity (silver)
Blessings (Lord Ganesh)
So, little girl, go out and do what you really want to do. May each little and big dream come true.

愣了。也哭了。嗯。我是幸福的！

With your light – I shine, and lit others up, too
With your wealth – I prosper, and abundance others, too
With your blessings – I fulfill, and shower upon others, too
As each dream, little and big – come true

Everything you have given
I received with gratitude
Everything I have received
Will be paid forward in multitudes

And to this chapter and more to come
Thank you, thank you, thank you

《只想说声对不起》 P.S. I'm Sorry - The Song Draft 2

2009-03-09T10:22:00.002+08:00

Had a clearer sense of what I'm really trying to say in my song, after I was able to pen down my apology. Had the courage to redraft the song, after I was able to read the entry myself.

Comments and feedback are all welcome:

《只想说声对不起》 - Draft 2
词：陈欣惠

Verse 1:
我曾经很任性
一念之间伤害了你
那天起我们的亲密
出现了距离被伤痕代替

Verse 2:
紫色的风信子
轻轻花语要告诉你
蹉跎了时间的悔意
很怕来不及就遗憾下去

Chorus:
其实我常常想起你
其实很关心你的最近
其实等一个机会而已
因为渴念所以决定

其实说不出口歉意
其实知道原谅不容易
其实道歉也需要勇气
因为珍惜所以愿意

Bridge:
哪天有机会有勇气
只想说声对不起

《只想说声对不起》 P.S. I'm Sorry - Saying Sorry

2009-03-07T17:27:00.002+08:00

10 years ago, I did something really horrible - I was manipulative and deceptive. And like the boy who called wolf, I ended up losing all of my NPCC squadmates -

Strangers turned CCA mates turned friends
Friends who'd write notes to each other, even though we see each other everyday; just bcos...
Friends who'd hang out together at the Mac's at Teban Gardens after our CCA, Mac's at Ginza Plaza, Mac's at JEC; and of cos, Block 204...
Friends who'd put in our all to write songs, choreograph dances, buy tees, handmake gifts, do the impossible; for a gathering for the seniors and NCOs...
Friends who shouted weekly, and lived by daily, the mantra of "All for one and one for all".

I remember stepping into the classroom where everyone else was waiting for me - all and one; one and all. I admitted my wilful deceits, and I said my public apologies.

As I left the classroom, I left the broken friendships, the broken trust, the broken everything we'd shared in the 2 years with my squad mates.

I remember making detours just so I wouldn't have to walk past them along the same corridoor. I remember my broken speech during the speech competition just because I caught the eyes. I remember the white grids that I had to keep clean, spotless everytime I showed them to Mrs Lim. All the while, trying hard to prove that my life goes on. All the while, wanting to prove that I now lead a better life.

When truly, all the while - I was hurting the same way everyone was hurting, too. I was huanted by guilt as much as everyone was haunted by anger. When truly, I secretly wished everyone knew how sorry I truly, truly was.

2 years later all of us graduated into our separate lives. 2 more years later, I was in university.

Throughout, I'd always wanted to say hi whenever we walked past each other. Throughout, I'd never stopped thinking about us as a group. Everytime I was on stage, at an event, on TV...I wonder - if the same angst and hurt and anger still fills you when you see me. Throughout, I missed you.

I missed you everytime Stephanie walks past me in HC. I missed you everytime Pei En walks past me in SMU. I missed you everytime Andy had new photos of gatherings etc. in his Friendster account. I missed you when Chit Xiang actually said hi to me at the JB bus terminal. I missed you when I saw Yanting's video clip at Fish Leong's concert. I missed you when Ivy actually replied me on Facebook. All these while - I missed the camaderie, the moments, the everything that was, that could have been, that would never be.

Secretly time and again, I wished you knew. I wished there was some way for me to let you know - how truly, awfully sorry I was/am/still am. I wished, that somehow, I'd put this down. And perhaps...even more boldly, I wish I'd forgive myself.

10 years later, this secret wish I never told anyone came true.

The first TV program I'm taking part in producing fulfilled every single bit of that secret wish.

"《只想说声对不起》 P.S. I'm Sorry" happened.

A TV program that creates a space for people to say their Sorries -
So that what needed to be said, is said;
and that what needed to be heard, is heard.

A TV program that reunites friends, couples, colleagues, families, lovers, and give that one sorry person that one opportunity to say that one sorry.

A TV program that I'm dedicating all my efforts towards the RVHS NPCC 1997 - 2000 batch.

A TV program that gave me the platform to write this, to send my apology message on Facebook, to let you know - how truly, awfully sorry I am; how much I'd missed you.

And as with every Sorry, comes a Thank you:

Thank you for the lesson in truth.
Thank you for the lesson in friendship, in camadarie, in acceptance.
Thank you for helping me make this come true.
Thank you...

Because I'm now able to close this chapter fully, and finally embarked on my journey of realizing my dreams, to tell stories of truth - of love, life and hope.

--

你说：“谢谢你，让这个节目 become real。”

亲爱的：
谢谢你。
你的节目，让我有机会了。
你的勇气，也让我勇敢了。

Gratitude Log - Meiqing 妈妈的感恩

2009-03-06T14:14:00.002+08:00

就为了[妈妈]的这句话，我要很用心、更用心地把节目做好！

《只想说声对不起》 P.S. I'm Sorry - The Song

2009-03-06T10:14:00.002+08:00

有一天你跟我说
要做一个说对不起的节目
我心想。。。
嗯
是时候了

笔下了这首歌
句句的真心话
说着他和她的故事
说着风信子的故事

也说着你/我的故事。。。

《只想说声对不起》
词/曲：陈欣惠

我曾经
很任性
一念之间
伤害了你

那天起
我们的亲密
出现了距离
被伤痕代替

其实我常常想起你
其实很关心你的最近
哪天有机会有勇气
只想说声对不起

道歉
需要勇气
原谅
更需要勇气

这份勇气
在开始《只想说声对不起》的时候
我们都已找到了

--

Realized over the past few weeks that more people than I really know actually take time to read my blog, scroll through the videos etc. Am deeply touched, that old friends care, new friends care, my cousins care...even people I've met on shoots care.

Makes me even more determined to blog from my heart, no less. Makes me even more determined to work on my story-telling craft.

And I'm going to make an effort to have a conversation with my readers. So...

Comments, feedback on the lyrics are most welcome! :)

《只想说声对不起》 P.S. I'm Sorry

2009-03-04T10:12:00.002+08:00

一束紫色风信子
代表时间的悔意
朵朵的轻声细语
说着我的
对不起
P.S. I'm Sorry

《只想说声对不起》
你的对不起
要跟谁说呢？
to be cont'd...

Somewhere over the rainbow

2009-03-02T15:25:00.002+08:00

Was on the bus on way home with Love last Wednesday evening when we saw the famous rainbow that the entire Singapore saw. Instead of joining everyone else for Journey Grad Meeting, I decided that I wanted to paint. So whilst everyone else was doing process swaps in the living room, I was doodling in the study room...

"Paintings don't lie"
- that's a dangerous statement to make
Bcos from then onwards
I'd only painted truth

Wanting to capture that beautiful sight
and that breath-taking kiss under the rainbow
I decided to paint a rainbow

A full rainbow is not the arch we see on the sky
When you're up in the skies, a rainbow is a full circle

Paint I did
And truth revealed itself to me:

In the most unassuming manner possible
My darling said hi to me
Full of colors
Full of light
Swaying in full rhythm
Just like the night she danced for me
Hauntingly beautiful
Mysteriously captivating

I tore the 2 pieces of canvas apart
And stared straight at myself:

The me who too, can be
Full of colors
Full of light
Awaiting
Just waiting
For that moment to start
Swaying
Dancing
Vibrating
Love, Life, Hope

The 2 paintings are now side by side on the bedroom wall
Symmetrically
Lovingly
Brilliantly
In tandem

"Look! We've been journeying in tandem all along!"

Love saw the paintings, and wrote the lyrics to the bridge of 《粘》 for me:

Under the rainbow
We made a wish
Two of us forever as One

Forever and more
Sealed with a kiss...

I took over and completed the bridge:

With you my life is now complete.

是的亲爱的
就因为
“我爱你”
什么事都做得成
什么事都有可能

会说话的绿豆汤N +1

2009-02-26T17:11:00.002+08:00

我想我的阿嬷了
今天的绿豆汤
你放了橙皮

就因为
阿嬷煮绿豆汤时
会放橙皮

一碗绿豆汤
你的千言万语
我听到了

是的亲爱的
会说话的绿豆汤
说着我们的故事

它的窃窃私语
你有听到吗？

Nikky and Jon - A True Valentine's

2009-02-26T10:29:00.002+08:00

那一天
天晴

蓝天
白云
Ideal for the perfect wedding...

就这样
一步一脚印
走到了今天

Bells are ringing
Hearts are singing
“我们结婚了！”

心心相印。。。

眼里只有你。
--

Dear Nikky and Jon,

We were there when you met
We were there when you decided
Through the laughter
tears
fights
and joy
We were there

And on this Valentine's
You said, "I love you"
You said, "I do"
We were there
We heard you

献上
诚心的祝福
祝你们
还是一步一脚印
幸福地
快乐地
美满地
走下去。

Loves,
Us

绿豆汤的故事 - Val's version

2009-02-24T16:46:00.002+08:00

你说要写我们的故事
一个
《绿豆汤的故事》

35页的坦白
6个“会说话的绿豆汤”

感动了
也动笔了

献给你
Entry #1

会说话的绿豆汤N

你印度去拍片了
我想你了
就决定煮你的 comfort food
想找你的 comfort

开始把绿豆放进锅里时
发觉
我不知道该放多少
薏米
不是道该放多少

一人份的绿豆汤
分量是多少？

站在那里
懊恼了很久
不知所措了很久
一人份的绿豆汤
我要怎么煮？

大大概概地洗了一锅绿豆和薏米
大大概概地加了水
就下锅煮了

刚从厨房走出来
却惊觉 –
我没放姜和 pandan leaf！

淬透丧气地走回厨房
赶紧把姜和 pandan leaf
一一放进去

嗯
一人份的绿豆汤
我还真的
不会煮

2月24日 - Good Day

2009-02-24T15:57:00.002+08:00

你要去 Mediacorp 开会了
我为你着急、担心

你说
"It will be a good meeting."

因为
"Today is a good day."

我笑了
我们的日子
你有放在心上哦

--

"I wanna spend Tuesday with you."
Trying my hardest to be nonchalant and matter-of-factly
I demanded for your Tuesday evening

"Why?"
You tried your best nonchalant and matter-of-factly tone, too

And in return
I quote
as you have quoted

"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along."
-- Rumi

Dear Lover
This dance that I dance with you
These Rhythms that I create with you
The beats that alternate between our pulses
The colors that fill the blank spaces

Why -
We have indeed been in each other all along!

24th celebrates
Xmas eve in Mexico
the end of searching
the beginning of journeying
a union
a reunion

A day to say
"Thank you."
A day to say
"I love you."

亲爱的：
“爱你！”

What is your number?

2009-02-23T12:01:00.002+08:00

"30 minutes of Me Time -
that's what I need before I can meet my next challenge.
Impossible is Nothing."

10-minute sit on my fave big white cushion
1-sunset stroll at the park downstairs
7-round jog at the water sports center "lake" at East Coast Park

8
That's the number of songs on my favorite playlist
I put them on my Pod

Sit
and my sanity back

Dance
and my energy is back

Jog
and all the bits and pieces

all the me's

the me who's really stressed out at work
the me who is figuring out what goes into the next line of her song
the me who needs to get the perfect wedding gift for her bestie
the me who has a really important audition to prepare for
the me who tried (and is still trying) to have a proper phone conversation with mummy

fall right into place
effortlessly

8 songs
the Me Time I need to find my pace
to find Myself
again

What's your number?

12岁的告白

2009-02-23T00:14:00.002+08:00

＂我有一个风筝—它的名字叫《梦》。而我和风筝之间，就是一线希望。＂

Was clearing my drawer of memories last night when I read this in a diary. I was twelve.

原来，在很久很久以前…

我已决定做寻梦者。

Finding "Me, Myself"

2009-02-21T20:14:00.002+08:00

The "Owl" by her ...

and the "Lone" by myself

能够找到一个人
陪我
画心情
画感触
画自我
画真相

很难得
很珍惜
很感动

更加是
很感激

今天
我好像找回了
自我

曾几何时
我愿意承认
“画画”
也是我的 "Me Time" 之一？

I remember writing an entry some time back
About 2 souls walking in tandem
I never thought I'd find someone
Someone to paint together

Paint mood
Paint feelings
Paint me
Paint truth

Paintings don't lie

And this truth
So rare
So cherished
So moved

And even more so...
Thanked

I'm painting again
And today
I seem to have found
Me, Myself
again

"Me, Myself"

2009-02-18T17:16:00.002+08:00

The first time I received the campaign brief on "Me, Myself" I went - how apt. "Impossible is nothing" has always felt almost daunting. But "Me, Myself" brought it closer to heart - help women achieve their own impossible. Now that's one campaign I really want to work for.

Many meetings
Many powerpoint slides
Many overnights
1 presentation
1 week of waiting
*Fingers crossed, toes crossed and whatever else there is to cross, crossed*
later...

We got the project!

Many more meetings
Many more powerpoint slides
Many more overnights
1 Facebook page
1 Facebook application
More *Fingers crossed, toes crossed and whatever else there is to cross, crossed*
later...

We've launched!

--

"Me, Myself" is about women
About who they are as individuals
About how adidas women's help them express that part of who you are
About "Me, Myself"

And recently someone asked me
"So, who are you?"

I am...
a woman, really
a girl at heart
a friend just a call away
a sister 24 x 7 on standby
a colleague to la-kopi with
an employee who strives for nothing less
a lover, and more
a daughter, and much more

Amongst all the I am's
I sometimes forget who I really am...

...'to be cont'd

Out of Action

2009-02-16T17:27:00.002+08:00

Know that I've been out of action for a bit. Apologies apologies! Been really sick - down with consistent, persistent, whatever-sistent there still is fever for the past week :(

Just wanna drop a quick note to thank everyone who've dropped their notes of well wishes and concern. Thank you thank you thank you *smiles*

Also, to the many who've spent money to vote for me in the Tatarah Babe of the Year contest, big *bow* from me to you. You guys have put me in the runners-up and I send thanks from the bottom of this humbled heart.

And to everyone else who've shown their support on Facebook for my very last ad campaign at Qais Consulting. Thank you, too! Your participation is greatly - GREATLY appreciated indeed! More about the campaign and Me Time in a bit...

Aights, will post a lengthier update soon. Till then, take lotsa care peeps!

思念
是一种
很玄
的东西。。。

101 个 Post

2009-02-01T13:23:00.002+08:00

这是第 101 个 Post
内容
也是 101 个的

那天收拾了我的一切一切
丢了我的一堆一堆

累了
当我把最后一个文件夹收起的时候
它
掉了出来

我被震撼住了
是我写的吗？

立化的格子纸
15 岁的笔记
我好奇地把它翻了过来

以兴致勃勃来掩饰自己的不可思议
紧张地念了一遍给亲爱的听
念到“妈妈”
心
抖擞了

亲爱的说
你是很爱你的妈妈的

虽然没说出口
却未曾否定过

因为

有些话不是我不想说
只是话到了嘴边
却失去了力量

Season of Love

2009-01-27T23:39:00.002+08:00

当花开的季节结束时
蜜蜂没有怨言
当爱情的季节消逝后
我们也没有理由埋怨

What rubbish.

我要和你在一起
一辈子
这辈子
下辈子
下下辈子
每一个辈子！

闷着的味道

2009-01-21T17:04:00.002+08:00

今天
感觉怪怪的
似乎
什么变了

你告诉她了
叫我别内疚
你要结账了
叫我别担忧

都是好事
为何
心里还是闷闷的

你
会看我
会看云

我觉得
你看我时很远
你看云时很近

--顾城《远和近》

结账

2009-01-19T12:35:00.002+08:00

你说过
你真的认为
上一段的４年
是为了准备跟我在一起的

我也回你
我是为你俩身定做的
一辈子经过的学习的
就是为了跟你在一起走着

我们两个人
就拼命地收拾行李
为了这个旅程
斜身带了有的没有的

来到了起点
才发现
原来什么都不用带
统统的包袱都应该丢掉

需要的
也只是彼此

手
拿不了什么行李
手
也只是用来牵你的手的

--

嗯
是时候放下上几次
的感情、的教训、的受伤
的内疚

是时候
结账了

How?

2009-01-18T17:40:00.002+08:00

你只须要作一个决定
决定你＂要＂
它就会开始
开始了
一切就会很 effortless 了。

两道门的想念

2009-01-13T22:13:00.002+08:00

下班了，第一时间看到你
心暖了
手握着，无言无语
安慰了，感动了

原来，你对我那么的重要
原来，需要的就只是你
而已
话还来不及说出口，你就抱着我先说了

两个人
可以那么亲
还真的有点不可思议

同在屋檐下
只是隔着两道门
却还是忍不住想你了

嗯
我们真的很粘。。。

《粘》 Draft 02
词/曲：陈欣惠

才刚见面就舍不得说再见
说了再见就开始倒数时间
我们就是这样对彼此很粘
所以即使很远却感觉就在身边

在电话里我听见你的想念
在简讯里你看见我的爱恋
既然可以这样放肆地很粘
才会享受痛苦思念的甜
（享受思念带给彼此的甜）

是真的吗？

2009-01-13T10:03:00.002+08:00

“要我这样子靠着一个人，是很难的。所以 Val Tan, 你给我听好，也给我记住：

你是你，我很清楚。
我从来没有爱一个人，爱得那么自由、自然 - 爱你有的，没有的。
你在我的生命里，大得无可取代。。。4年前已经是事实了。

我们不是在谈恋爱，而是在生活。
我们结婚吧。我要和你过一辈子。

话不敢说出去，就因为怕彼此对彼此有 expectations。
我 expect 你 honest。”

我还在愣。

愣完了，你准备 open arms 让我 crawl into。。。
感动地、恨晚地、来不及地、感激地、whatever 地大哭一场，k？

哭完了，就和你：
踏踏实实地
老老实实地
一起走，一起闯，一起挥霍
一辈子。

我总是慢三拍

2009-01-12T13:01:00.002+08:00

两个人
一个小时
感动 - 很多。
有 sunset，dancing fish，balloons 和漫步。。。

Weekend就这样过了。
心
还是甜甜的。

吃饭 - 吃感觉。
看电影 - 看感触。

“如果你就是你，而你爱就是这样地爱 - 为什么会有人不珍惜？
那么完美的你既然走到我这里，让我得到，让我拥有。。。
还好那些人没把你抢走。”

话
你就是可以说得那么白。
我愣着了。

话
今天终于sink in 了。
我哭了。

除了感激，还是感激。

《粘》
在电话里我听见你的想念
在简讯里你看见我的爱恋
既然可以这样放肆地很粘
所以虽然很远却感觉就在身边

你打电话给我了。
慢三拍的我，终于 realize 了。
我不得不把这一段记下来。
一通电话，一段词。
哦，再打几通吧。
；P

安静了

2009-01-07T13:12:00.002+08:00

在 Nikky 的 blog 看到了这首歌。第一次听到周杰伦的《安静》是和 JC 的“好朋友”分担失恋的痛楚时 - 听着他弹着，唱着。。。心里一阵一阵黯然地痛。原来，作好朋友可以那么伤、那么痛。

今天，听《安静了》 - 昨夜的话题就不停地倒带，重播，倒带，再重播。。。

《安静了》

只剩下钢琴陪我站在这里
梦想中属于我们的婚礼
却成了单人结婚进行曲

在这场爱情角力的拔河里
爱我还是爱你
你选择了自己

撒娇的可爱的粘人的爱哭的
照片里曾经的都是你喜欢的
如今我还在原地你却走回你的记忆

你说我爱你太多就快要把你淹没
你害怕幸福短崭一秒就崩落
分开是一种解脱　让你好好的想过
我想要的那片天空　你是不是能够给我

你说我给你太多却不能给我什么
分不清激情承诺永恒或迷惑
爱情是一道伤口我们各自苦痛
沉默是我最后温柔

是因为我太爱你

只剩下钢琴陪我站在这里

梦想中属於我们的婚礼

安静了在我枕边的梦里

我知道相爱原本就不容易

爱不是一加一

努力就有结局

撒娇的可爱的粘人的爱哭的

照片里曾经的都是爱着你的

脸颊的泪还温热

却没有人握我的手

你说我爱你太多就快要把你淹没
你害怕幸福短崭一秒就崩落
分开是一种解脱　让你好好的想过
我想要的那片天空　你是不是能够给我

你说我给你太多却不能给我什么
分不清激情承诺永恒或迷惑
爱情是一道伤口我们各自苦痛
沉默是我最后温柔

是因为我太爱你

--

“哪一天你的幸福到了，我已学会放手。
站在远处，support 你。”

这句话，我可以收回吗？

就连那句

“除非你开口，否则我绝不放手。”

我都说得很不愿意。

你说你怕耽误了我
我是 mainstream 的
应该怎样的怎样
怎样地幸福
怎样地快乐

对你说完了阿公阿嬷的故事。心理顿了好久好久。。。
一直想要你快乐、幸福。
却不知道你的快乐、幸福，
到底是定在什么、定在哪里？

你说你每天都在发现我对你的爱
多了一点
不只是一面
又前面，后面，左边，右边
还有上面和下面
是全面的，有层次的。

你说原来我是真的
真的。。。
懂你。

对你说了
“懂你” - 我没有尝试。
“爱你” - 我不由自主。
哪一天，你若对我说：“你不懂我。”
哪一天，你若对我说：“你爱我太多。”
怎么办？

原来，你比我诚实。
原来，我比你害怕。

安静了。。。
原来，我是那么的那么的
爱你。

My piece of sky

2009-01-06T18:15:00.002+08:00

Feels like eons ago when I received a phone call from one of my fave hairstylists, Irene 姐. We met at a TVC shoot and she was ever so patient and encouraging to noobs like me. She was the hairstylist for one of the Tatarah photoshoots, and had felt that I should "come and try".

Try I did and I ended up as Tatarah Babe for July'08:

Had my very first magazine shoot for STUFF magazine...

And half a year later, amongst many other changes in my life, I'm in an actual "pageant". My mum would be proud of me, having always lamented on how of all things, I inherited her height (or lack thereof ;P) genes. Yes, petite Val in a proper "Tatarah Babe of the Year" voting pageant, striding steps and striking poses amongst all other taller, skinnier, more experienced models. That in itself is an achievement worth giving 2 pats on my head :)

I know I wouldn't be here without the people who voted in the very first round - so here's a heartfelt thank you from me to you *bows*. And on this note, a special bow and hug to Irene 姐 who opened the door for me in the first place.

Because of that, I got to do my very first "fearless" outdoor bikini shoot! Fearless because for the first time in a bikini, I felt confident and real.

Perhaps because I saw it as me fulfilling my obligation as July Babe, perhaps because Edwin and Shinyee from Tatarah had been nothing less than absolutely encouraging, perhaps because for the first time I stood tall, perhaps because the sunset was breathtaking, perhaps because the smell of the sea was exhilarating...

Whatever the reason may be, I thank each and every moment captured - for smiles so genuine and life so pulsating. And sharing my favorite moment with everyone:

I saw in front of me a sky
With light coming through so bright
Someone smiled and said to me
Val, this sky's for you to fly.

More moments captured here.

开始 Offline

2009-01-05T18:03:00.002+08:00

You'd be proud of me. I'm talking in production terms already ;P
Had the tune for bridge and the rest of it ringing in my head the whole afternoon.
Read your email -
每天都有新的领悟。。。今天，我懂了“思念是一种很玄的东西。”

《开始》 Draft 02

2009-01-05T09:41:00.002+08:00

《开始》
词／曲：陈欣惠

昨天画上了句点
明天我不须打开
我要的就在眼前
爱你爱你就在现在

向宇宙呐喊爱你
不踅别人怎样去猜
这通通都是我的我很珍惜
自私得很变态

开始删除曾经学过的理智念头
开始歇斯底里想你在每分钟
开始体验从新从心谈恋爱～

开始爱（就是爱）

开始停止去想疯狂爱你的理由
开始岂有此理地幸福和感动
开始体验从新从心谈恋爱～

我开始爱

Didn't think that the second chorus would come so fast, considering how I always get stuck forever after I spit out the first draft of the song. Yet, remembering the proton/electron analogy - 就是不停地擦出火花。

曲，是在 Mexico 的公园散步时哼着的。。。一直到昨天才发觉，原来它未曾离开我。
词，是你的 email 启发的:

呐喊

抱着你，心跳加速
你错了，我的心不再因为我的好朋友而跳得很快
它每次看到你、碰到你
就会雀跃地跳两下！

今天早上，它是用喊的：
想你！
狠狠地想你！
想得疯狂！
想得歇斯底里！！！
我快要死掉了。。。

你去上班了
我仍旧闻到你的味道
坐在电脑前
心醉了

人可以这样幸福
真的岂有此理

心笑了，它说：
那就再多想一点吧～

心现在要去专心工作了
你也是～

“两个人要有同一个梦想，一起走向它。”
原来，世界那么大，一定会有一个你。
让我找到了。
我很感激。

《开始》 Draft 01

2009-01-04T09:52:00.002+08:00

《开始》
词／曲：陈欣惠

昨天画上了句点
明天我不须打开
我要的就在眼前
爱你爱你就在现在

向宇宙呐喊爱你
不踅别人怎样去猜
这通通都是我的我很珍惜
自私得很变态

开始删除曾经学过的理智念头
开始歇斯底里想你在每分钟
开始体验从新从心谈恋爱～
我开始爱

开始爱

－－

昨夜，偶遇《原点》的故事人，让10年的“那一口气”终于消失了。你说：“你可以写《句点》了。”
知道吗？我根本不在乎有没有句号。。。对我来说，重要的，是现在。
现在，我已开始爱。

一句话

2008-12-31T09:18:00.002+08:00

“我有很多想要做的东西。但现在，我只想做一件事。”

嗯。

原来，说已不是“一步一脚印”，而是在跑、在跳、在飞。。。一点都不夸张。

番薯汤的故事

2008-12-30T10:50:00.002+08:00

“煮绿豆汤把全部的东西放下去给它煮，后来再来 collect 就可以了，不用站在那边等。”

哦。那。。。你煮番薯汤的时候，会不会站在那里等呢？

“为什么你会记得我说过有的没有的的话？”

哦。那。。。为什么你会记得我的 empty Christmas sock 的故事？

Dear Xi 06

2008-12-15T03:59:00.002+08:00

一言警醒梦中人：“你到家了，但你的家已不再是我的怀里。”

所以，我每次痛、每次思念。。。就要记起你的List，你的这句话吧。

和你去看《爱情18克》，记得有一幕，有那么一段对白：

“你每次哭的时候，都会跑到我的怀里抱我。”

“那是因为，让我哭的人不是你。”

嗯。

那是因为，让我哭的人不是你。

How Apt

2008-12-13T15:14:00.002+08:00

《我的心太乱》

夜里难以入睡用什么可以麻醉?
情绪太多怎堪面对?
不是不要你陪有些事你无法体会
卸下了防备孤独跟随

我想要一个自己的空间
能够好好想想我们之间的明天
如果爱情不如我们想像的甜美
那么所有的罪让我来背

我的心太乱要一些空白
你若是明白让我暂时的离开
我的心太乱不敢再贪更多爱
想哭的我却怎么哭也哭不出来

我的心太乱要一些空白
老天在不在忘了为我来安排
我的心太乱害怕爱情的背叛
想哭的我像是一个迷路小孩
迷路的小孩

--

晚上。时钟的分秒针很清晰，冰箱的引擎很大声。。。
又是谁搭电梯回家了？

声音的节奏，仿佛模仿着你对我说的
“你没有试、你没有听、你没有懂、
你没有回应我、你没有珍惜我、你没有相信我、
你没有、你没有、你没有。。。”

是这样吗？

从一开始，你就记载了一点又一点的埋怨。
吵架的时候，你会一一地列出来。
从一开始，我就不够好。
那无尽的排行榜，我牢牢记着。
从一开始，你就不是我的。
就不是我的。
从一开始，我就不属于你的世界。
可以在一夜间被转进去，也会在一念间被转出来。

你的世界转得很快，我跟不上。
你的要求欲望，我实践不到。
你的终点，我到不了。

你对我的责备，我从第一天开始就毫无疑问地接受。
就连你的背叛，我都充满着自责悔恨。

我很难过。我很难受。
我好想哭。

真的真的好想哭。

到家了

2008-12-11T01:35:00.002+08:00

回家的路上，收到了Mdm的简讯息-where are you? My heart skipped a beat n immediately wondered if all is alright at home...原来，是要叫我回家-come home. Wanna give u a hug before I go for work.天啊，非要我哭不可？

我还在想 - perhaps, it's me give her a hug bahs... Afterall, it's been a rough day.

回到家，还来不及说什么就很不由自主地sink into the big outstretched arms 了。这一刻才发现，原来我们都需要一个拥抱、一份安尉。

＂到家了。＂

我终于落泪了。

Posted with LifeCast

原来

2008-12-06T19:35:00.002+08:00

曾几何时我发现到
原来我跟你一样怕、一样渴望
渴望有一个“懂我”的人
却又怕到要死

"How are you?"
我很难过但又说不出口
只能紧紧地抱着你
让一点点眼泪落下让自己破裂一点点

你好像懂了
我好像就坚强了

原来
那是牵强

因为怕
怕让你进来温柔地守护着
怕让你进来委婉地爱惜着

怕你救我
更怕你保护我
再离开我

所以，从来都没让自己
完全地破碎

碎成那数不清的许多
碎成那拼不回的一切

我累了
所以，多破了一点点
撑不下去了
再破那么一点点。。。

Goodnight, goodbye

2008-12-04T09:38:00.002+08:00

What if I told you I wish I could paint another picture for your eyes?
What if I told you they wouldn't fade all the memories from our lives?
Would that make everything alright...

Spinning round and round the world the same
But close your eyes and it will be okay
So tuck in your nightmares and kiss them goodnight
Goodnight goodnight at least for just tonight

What if I told you not everything that happens to you has a reason?
What if I told you the tears you shed is finding a way to heal you?
Would that make everything alright...

Spinning round and round the world the same
But close your eyes and it will be okay
So tuck in your nightmares and kiss them goodnight
Goodnight goodnight
Goodnight goodnight at least for just tonight

Won't be the last chance, won't be the last dance
Won't be the night our dream dies
Just remember to smile try not to think of me now
And all the words we've sown
All the bonds we've grown
And all our hopes will be alright

--

Have given resignation notice to my dear dear boss at work last night. 最近好像常常道别 - 我想，每一个离别都是向前走的推动力吧。从这里看过去，似乎若再前进，就会坠落悬崖。。。

The way of love
is not a subtle argument

The door there
is devastation

Birds make great sky-circles of their freedom.
How do they learn that?

They fall.
And falling, they are given wings.

Val, 是时候飞翔了。

Silver Dreams

2008-12-02T19:21:00.002+08:00

To everyone and anyone who took 2hours of your weekend to come watch "Silver Dreams" - big bow from me to you. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you because...

You were part of dreams coming true.
You were laughing and crying with us.
You were clapping for yours and our dreams.
You heard us.
You heard yourself.

我一直以为 - 长大后，毕业后，完成我父母的心愿后，就可以飞翔、可以实践梦想。毕业了，我开始把CV 投出去。And someone believed in me, believed in me enough to give me a 4 year artiste management contract, my parents believed in my conviction enough to give me their blessings…and "sub-prime" happened. Having to take on debts and responsibilities, I entered the corporate world.

Half a year later, at the moment I thought I've sold my life and my dreams to the corporate world, someone believed in me enough to offer me the opportunity to produce documentaries, to tell real stories. Having taken my first step on national TV in a docu-drama series, this was a God-sent opportunity I immediately jumped at. I tendered.

On the day before my last day at work, an unexpected circumstance surfaced and I was back in the corporate world.

To me, I could literally see that door to my dreams close, hear it slam shut. Ready to announce "I give up", Eugene emailed me about "Silver Dreams" and asked if I'll take a role if he could work rehearsal timings round my job. 为什么总是在我面临绝望的时候给我一线光芒。。。然后又在我充满希望的时候让我狠狠地失望？Yet I was very very blessed to be living with a mentor so wise and so supportive, who literally made me say yes and made sure I commit to rehearsals and made sure she had a ticket to the show. Just like that, I became a part of Silver Dreams.

Became a part of Dreams coming true. Became a part of a Voice that needed to be heard so badly. Became a believer. All along, I needed someone to believe in me – that I am entitled to Dreams, that I am good enough, that I am borne to do this, that I am meant to do this – to give me opportunities, to open that door for me. Over the weekend of Silver Dreams, I realized that the one person who needed to believe in any of this…is myself.

Knowing this, 我不再对自己说"加油"。。。我说："Val，快到了！"

Walking in tandem

2008-11-24T23:11:00.002+08:00

《同类》

雨后的城市寂寞又狼狈
路边的座位它空着在等谁
我拉住时间它却不理会
有没有别人跟我一样很想被安慰

风停了又吹我忽然想起谁
天亮了又黑我过了好几岁
心暖了又灰世界有时候孤单的很需要另一个同类
爱收了又给我们都不太完美
梦作了又碎我们有几次机会
去追
不晓得为什么爱又稀少又昂贵

云在半空中被微风剪碎
回忆也许美可是正在飞走
对不对？

为什么我要那么执著？我放不下什么？我放不开什么？This journey I need to embark on - we never really got to walking in tandem, we never really found ourselves on the same path.

Someone once told me, "I don't think I'll ever found someone as in sync..." Surrounded by my own beliefs, I never once thought we will come here today.

"We are so different." Can't 2 different souls walk in tandem, ever?

When you need help...

2008-11-14T22:50:00.002+08:00

Ask.

Too proud to admit...or even acknowledge within myself that I need help, I often have the habit of shutting up/down and then 钻牛角尖 in my little corner. Last night, out of sheer desperation, I admit defeat - one big step. And then I asked for help - one big leap.

I sat down and started speaking my truth. Listening to myself, I realized for the first time in my entire life how much I want this. How much I do want to realize my dreams and realize my purpose. What started as a coherent prayer turned into a blabber and I was all tears and mess and well, just tears and mess.

They say everything is a primer for the next thing. How true. I remember sitting at the office of August Pictures and hearing myself say, "我一直认为《梦想》是我们在朋友聚会挂在嘴边的话题。就只是说说而已。一直到我从上海回来，搬出来后。。。今天的我，可以对自己acknowledge - 这就是我的梦想、可以坐在这里，很坦然地跟你们说 - 我是有梦想的人，我要实践我的梦想，我要 live my purpose。" Like Mdm, 我们都忽然间恍然大悟 that VaL 长大了。

Barely a few days after the interview with August pictures, the grown-up VaL is reduced to tears and mess. And in my darkest hour last night, feeling like a totally deflated balloon with all optimism gone, 元气大伤的我似乎已不知道应该怎么走下去了。This dissonance of where I (still) am at VS where I really need to be + "s*** happens"-ing at where I am = tears and mess.

I am stronger than that. I know. I'm also human. I know, too. The stronger than that me says, "It's the dead of the night. You did the one thing you know to. Now go and sleep so that you can continue to perform brilliantly at work tomorrow." The human me says, "It's ok to feel like that. You don't have to be strong all the time. It's ok." Contradictory yes. Yet I felt much comforted, knowing that it's ok to be tears and mess...and it's also sensible for me to just go and sleep for tomorrow. With that comforting knowing, I went to bed.

And woke up this morning, heartily congratulating myself, "Well done VaL. You're yet one more day closer to realizing your dreams and living your purpose!"

When you need help, ask. You might very well get it. You will always get it.

My List

2008-11-03T16:34:00.002+08:00

Sitting alone in the Business Room, staring at the empty desks and being reminded of how everyone is bustling around getting things done...I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the need to get away from all this.

I need to get away from: churning out proposals, replying emails, issuing quotations, sai-kang-warrior-ing. On my to-do list are:

Retreat - a farm, an island, an Ashram even...somewhere I need not speak to anyone nor entertain any thoughts
Be in a movie, live my life purpose - to show the world on the big movie screen of life, the beautiful colors of emotions
Work with children - Rainbow Centre camp is a good start... and there's India. India India India.

Yes, I know. Everything in its own time. Yes, I know. Every outcome is the best possible outcome. Yes, I know. My "company bond" is ending soon.

Breathe...

K...VaL feels better enough to get back to work now. And I'm still gonna congratulate myself, "Well done babe! You're one day closer to living your dreams!"

就因为

2008-10-17T00:15:00.002+08:00

餐馆，为一个人而开。
戏，为一个人而拍。

只要有那么一个人感动。。。

就够了。

"I have a Dream..."

2008-10-12T22:04:00.002+08:00

Dear Eugene emailed me the other day asking if I'd be keen to be part of his musical:

Have you ever had a dream that makes you wonder why?
A dream that you know you are meant to follow, that will change your life
and the lives of others.
Have you ever thought that you can be more then you are?
But instead of following that dream, you are held back by fear and
conformity.
Have you ever had a dream thats written on the pieces of your heart?
Pieces that were once broken, a dream that was shattered a long time ago..

Have you ever had a dream?
Follow it...

And with grace, this is the Nth connection I've had with one's dreams and aspiration. I sent out a request to be living my life purpose and walking down my own Gala Premier before the age of 30 and the doors have never stopped opening since. And for this, I give my utmost thanks and gratitude.

I took up Eugene's offer once he sent me the synopsis...and knowing that he'd cast me for someone older my age. Finally - an opportunity to stretch beyond what's almost a stereotype for me (the teens roles). Rehearsals have begun so watch out for it peeps!

I have a dream - to show the world on the big movie screen of life, the beautiful colors of emotions. This is a musical about dreams and as you watch it, I hope to be bringing you closer to your dream, that you begin to hear that tiny voice amongst the (many) broken pieces. June is my first attempt at a role older than my age, and as her words edge Robert on...I do hope a chord in you in struck and makes you think - I have a dream, too.

Why should I be sad?

2008-10-06T17:41:00.002+08:00

Someone sent me a note

Fall in love.
Have a one night fling.
Flirt with someone.
Celebrate life.

Still shuddering from how easily I am affected whether I want to be or not...Whether I know anything, or not. This sounds...

like a darn good suggestion.

An overpowering feeling

2008-09-11T01:10:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, a feeling hit us out of nowhere...or by a least expected trigger and we run into panic mode, thinking and thinking - OMG why am I feeling so, how do I deal with it, what do I do next, when is it going to go away etc. etc. And we forgot - for Christ's sake it's a feeling! You're supposed to feel it.

And feel I did. And beneath that feeling at that moment is yet another feeling. And another...and another. And when we reach the bottom of all the layers of feelings, we realized - hey, we're still in one piece. If anything, that overpowering emotion is now gone. What's left - is oursleves...at home. At home with who we truly are. And we wonder, why do we still launch into the panice mode everytime?

Did this simple exercise with a dear friend of mine tonight. Feeling extremely humbled by how willing she was to just trust me. And extremely grateful for the mirror she's shown me - why, we're all mirrors of each other.

And for the millionth time, if you're wondering what I'm talking about, come talk to me. Better yet, book a session with me - I'll make the time :))

The Heart

2008-09-01T11:36:00.002+08:00

"My heart feels no love." A young boy once said. Barely 5 years old...his matter-of-fact delivery stunned the empathetic listener.

Yesterday morning, a little wise girl said, "Your heart aches. Be thankful that it aches. Be grateful that it still feels."

And so, we let the heart that no longer feels love aches.

我懂

2008-08-20T10:24:00.002+08:00

《我懂》
词/曲：陈欣惠

分手一个月时间就这样地过
记得离开的那一天心痛得快要不能活

你问为什么要勉强一个人过
是否知道你的想念我却似乎已没了感觉

一个人的生活虽然有时很难受
但跟你在一起的每一刻我承担着三个人的痛

有心爱我无心伤害我
却还是抵挡不住诱惑
不要再对我说你爱我
安静地呐喊不要再骗我

有心爱我无心伤害我
却还是一再残忍挥霍
视而不见也会有尽头
好想告诉你我懂
我（都）懂

Finally got the verses, bridge out for the chorus that came that fateful morning. Do drop me your comments and feedback k.

Now I just need to get down to recording it. Any volunteer musicians (pianists)?

Clearing the consciousness of betrayal

2008-08-17T17:18:00.002+08:00

Not gonna be a long post. Just wanted to pen down these words I hold dear to my heart. Had a process-swap with Mdm this morning. Did mine in the record breaking time of less than 3 hours. Remembered the times when my processes are at least 4-hour long. Seems like moving out makes clearing much much easier. That's besides the point, shall get to the words -

"Pride can shroud you from a lot of things...but not truth.

Pride can protect you from everyone else...but not yourself."

"If because of distrust, because of fear of betrayal, you keep your heart small...then whatever bruise you get on your tiny heart is gonna be huge. But if you were to just open your heart with trust and just let your heart expand...whatever hurt that comes along, will simply bounce off."

"The thing you need to trust, is not that you won't be hurt...

but to trust that everytime you are hurt, there is an invaluable lesson waiting to be well learnt."

And so I shall sit in these words of wisdom...and let CX's email sink in.

很想对你说

2008-08-15T10:18:00.002+08:00

What I hold so dearly to my heart, are the walks and talks we share - this unmistakable sync in our steps in our companionship. Yet...taking this step towards each other, towards togetherness, a part of me fears that things may change.

I don't know why or what made you take this leap of faith after what- 7 years? And I do know that if I were to take this leap myself, I want to take it in faith, with faith...not out of my previous hurt, not bringing my past baggage, not out of true desperation to just grab onto the next savior that comes along.

I am unable to do so just yet. And it's beautiful...the way you put it -

I could never find a girl who could appreciate life as well as you do, with so many common interests, like listening to the same music and everything... ...Here and there I've someone coming in and out of my life. It's just that these people made me realise that your lifestyle complements mine most. And that we can get along well.

As much as I know I should be touched and that I want to feel touched. You said, "Everything is subtle." And perhaps...I was subtly touched, somehow.

很想对你说：“知道吗？我怕。”

It's ok to let your heart break

2008-08-10T21:24:00.002+08:00

Came home at 7ish am last morning. Long long night. Long long talks. A brief moment of truthful pain from me. Hot hot shower. Lying on my bed, staring at the star-less ceiling -

The chorus of my next song flowed. Flowed from a place of truth...where it's ok to feel pained, ok to be hurt, ok to let my heart break...

有心爱我无心伤害我
却还是抵挡不住诱惑
不要再对我说你爱我
安静地呐喊不要再骗我

有心爱我无心伤害我
却还是一再残忍挥霍
视而不见也会有尽头
好想告诉你我懂我（都）懂

And it broke. Broke into the million pieces it should have weeks ago. Broke into the irreparable bits it would have if I'd just allow it. And sobbing from that place of truthful pain, my long held-back emotions came. And today...I let myself feel, bit by bit again.

Writing from my guilt

2008-08-08T16:20:00.002+08:00

While we were working on ep 7 of My World My Blog, Mdm told me, "Hold me to high standards. So that I write from my soul, not from my guilt." And ep 7 was born. Beautiful beautiful story that haunts both Mdm and myself.

Kept reminding myself, to stay to truth and not run away anymore. Yet...today, I've moved out. Till that eventful night, I've not picked up calls. Running huge circles. I still have to face my guilt.

Yes, I am guilty, too.

Guilty of pushing people I love, and who love me back away. Guilty of not being to open up to him. When I found out about my condition, the first person I went to was Mdm. When I needed to go back to painting to vent the shit I was feeling, the first person I thought of was Yikai. I chose to spend my free nights at the editing suite of 360. I chose to spend my free weekends on set filming. I chose to go to India to film the documentary over staying in Singapore with him. I pushed him away.

I'd held on too tightly in my first relationship - phone, email, friendster, MSN checking. Tracing every movement...yet - the inevitable happened. Threading carefully this time round, I still couldn't help the gut feeling that something was going wrong. I bash myself up with every urge to check his phone and accounts. I hated myself for suspecting, especially when he buys gifts for no reasons, especially when he shows me photos taken when he was out at XXX with his buddies, especially when my body automatically flinches away from his arms. So I pushed him away.

Immersing myself in dream-chasing. Wanting to become a producer of truth. Working on my screen story-telling skills. Sought solace and comfort in the one thing I knew I was good at. Silently muffling my screams, "Don't hide. Don't lie. Don't lie again. I know." Becoming the perfect epitome of "视而不见".

Today, I still bash myself up for believing the promises. "Cx promises you, Cx不再花了...and Cx never breaks his promises." And so I believed. And believing, I spiraled us into this route of drifting apart, of lies and deceit. And I am unable to walk out of this guilt.

Mdm said, "I've walked here today, writing ep7...to realize - it's ok. You were only doing what you knew to do. No one can teach anyone how to be in a relationship. It's ok."

Mdm...hurry come back and tell me it's ok again.

Grabbing onto a wish

2008-08-06T23:23:00.002+08:00

Been an eventful night last night. Remembered Mdm saying, "There must be a reason why I'm leaving you alone in the house for 10 days."

I haven't teared just yet. Knowing that it's painful is one thing. Feeling nothing is another. I tried. I stayed open. Wide open...waiting, waiting for the emotions to come flooding - Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

What...just what am I holding onto? Why is it always so unsafe to feel? I don't have to do this alone I know. Support is always here I know. Yet... Still, nothing.

Mdm texted me this evening, "Nothing to let go of. Give you a wish to grab onto so you can grab anything you want and let it be with you."

I wish...

for big big non-judgmental, no-expectations, safe, comforting arms.

How can anyone be so certain?

2008-08-05T19:56:00.002+08:00

"I wanna share my life with you."

"Let's go explore ... ... and possibly explore our future together."

How...can anyone be so so so certain? Where...did all that come from? When...did it all started? Questions after questions. Yet both of us have decided to go off and go searching for answers in our minds. I doubt my slightly very broken heart will give me any accurate answers for some time.

Perhaps relationships from the heart are too risky.

"Yes I need a lot of space. Yet, I was wondering if I've found the girl I'd be willing to change for." It always begins this way, doesn't it?

"承熹不会、不要再花了。" Yet...look at where I've ended up, and what I've ended with today.

*Hum Bao* a few text messages and I was ready to become a puddle of tears. Tempting. So ever tempting to just fall into this very loving embrace. Smart. Sophisticated. Future. FUTURE. No funny histories. No other gals. No lifestyle differences. Tempting. Very.

Am I looking for someone to rescue me...the same way I'm refusing to rescue Xi?

Dear Xi 05

2008-07-30T18:00:00.002+08:00

I remember you telling me, "No one must be so stupid to absolutely trust anyone. You must reserve some doubt for yourself."

My heart stopped. Interestingly, the reaction I had was...Who or what have I turned this man into? I remember the down-to-earth no-airs boy-next-door who is always oh-so-trusting in the natural goodness in everyone. And it was this very same boy who is telling me to never, completely, trust anyone. Not even when the person I was attempting to completely, fully, trust...was you.

Dear Lover, I want to. I want to be able to be comfortable not knowing, because I already know. And I already know, because I absolutely, completely trust. I want to trust you. Don't you see? I want to trust the man in my life, the one I feel safe with, the one I always run to, the one I am living the rest of my beautiful momentous life with.

Until I can do that...I can't deal with anything else.

You were an all-trusting person. You are also a freedom-lover.

Dear Lover...perhaps now, it's time for you to just bathe in this freedom, and enjoy your single-hood. Enjoy the nights of buddies and babes. Of laughter and mindless fun. Of everything and anything you've yearned for when we were bounded together by mutual love...and also mutual distrust.

And when you've finished savoring this lifestyle, when you're completely satisfied...perhaps then, I'd gotten over the bittersweet betrayals, I'd forgotten the lies...and more so, learnt the art of complete, absolute trust.

Perhaps, just perhaps...dear Lover, our paths may cross again.

VaL is touched

2008-07-28T20:29:00.002+08:00

To my fellow 28th, friends and family who've texted me, emailed me...and reached out to me in ways you know how and you know to care - thank you.

The Font Conference

2008-07-24T13:13:00.002+08:00

For the font geek in us:

Dear Xi 04

2008-07-22T21:03:00.002+08:00

"I care for you."

"I do love you."

I know I'm supposed to have forgiven...yet, forgetting is so so tough. Screaming. Screaming inside -

Where was the same care when you were frivolously at Zouk? "I just wanna go club and play play." Where was the same love when you had this thought? When your hands went round her? When when when...?!?

"So you want me to leave you alone?"

Dear Lover, I'm not a saint, nor am I trying to be one. How do I hang around you, yet not be drawn back into this addictive vicious cycle?

Dear Lover, how do I say yes...when I really mean no?

很想对你说

2008-07-21T23:59:00.002+08:00

你每一天的问候 - 这封闭的耳朵，什么都听不到。
你关爱的一举一动 - 这朦胧的眼睛，什么都看不到。
不要对我那么好 - 这麻麻的心灵，什么都感觉不到。
就算是很知道很知道，就算是沉浸在有你的世界里面 - 什么，都感觉不到。

那么肯定的你 - 习惯背叛的我，什么都信不了。
信不了他人的话。
信不了所有的承诺。
更信不了。。。自己。

很自私的我，舍不得。这个时候的我，真得很想有一个他。
很珍惜的我，要放下。放下对你依赖性的牵挂。

很想对你说：“你是我最好的朋友。”

Sedative Sandalwood

2008-07-21T01:05:00.002+08:00

"Sandalwood helps us cut past ties, and move through and past grief, isolationist feelings, ego-centrism, and aggression. It opens us, allowing us to receive love, warmth and understanding. Sandalwood has the ability to bring us back to ourselves, to connect with the earth, to still the mind and allow creativity and our higher consciousness to flower."

I should burn a whole packet then.

Dear Xi 03

2008-07-20T12:33:00.002+08:00

yuandian final - VaL Tan Xin Hui

写了一封信给你想要电邮过去
信里面写的字语是我要丢掉的回忆
心酸勾起的回忆好甜好甜

感情只剩下叹息你我倒带回去
我只能站在原地看着她在你的怀里
曾经你给我勇气离开伤踏进你的心
如今我用这勇气来祝福你

害怕自己陷下去然后眼泪一滴一滴接一滴
告诉自己没关系骗自己
害怕自己没勇气让那回忆一幕一幕地离去
所以现在泪滴只为你

已爱上你还爱着你

Dear Lover,

Whether you believe me or not...or whether you think you need it or not, I forgive you. Forgive you from the bottom of this slightly very broken heart.

Forgive you, bcos I've learnt to see beyond your wilfulness. That behind every single betrayal - is a soul as beautiful as mine. A soul desperately hunting for love, to fill that all too familiar void in the heart. A soul on the same hunt as mine, with a heart as desperate as mine.

With the same forgiveness, I tried forgiving myself. Tried forgiving the me who pushed the ones dearest to me away. The me who simply cannot trust herself to love. The me, who deserves forgiveness...bcos no one can teach anyone how to be in a relationship. Everyone who falls in love, simply does what he/she knows how to do, with the resources and wisdom he/she has at that point in time. The me, who deserves forgiveness, bcos all she did was to fall in love.

And whether you believe me or not...or whether you think you need it or not, Support is here. A greater Love is here.

Dear Xi 02

2008-07-20T04:45:00.002+08:00

Someone told me, "One should choose to die than be betrayed. For death is true in delivering what it promises. Yet betrayal is simply the wilful slaughter of love, trust, and hope."

And if I could choose death, I'd let the Xxn that's ever present just die. Just vanish. Let this tiny tiny voice, this tiny light, this tiny heart that skips 2 beats everytime you're around just...disappear. I couldn't.

So I chose the path of wilfulness you took.

Standing at the dance floor, everything happened in slow-mo. I dart my eyes away from catching glances. I move away in another direction as they close in towards us. All these, instinctively. Rocking hard to the music, flashes of you showed up, flashes of the other gals showed up. Willing myself to mimic your wilfulness, I tried my dash at betrayal. And ended up running out of Zouk - breathless, scared shitless, helpless.

I couldn't.

Your wilfulness may have slaughtered the love, the trust...and that bright bright hope between us. Yet your lessons of cherishing myself, my promise to never live in abandonment remain. A soulmate's lessons never leave...even after he/she is long gone. Even if they live and practise otherwise.

Staring back at the beauty, looking at the present truth around us...knowing there is no room for repair, ever - a tiny voice shut up, a tiny light went off. And the tiny heart that skips 2 beats remained silent for a long long...long time.

Dear Xi 01

2008-07-19T13:35:00.002+08:00

I mourn, for the beauty that no longer is.
I grieve, for the pride and hurt that took its place.
So much resentment from you. So so much.

My heart goes out to the man I'd loved ever so deeply.
Yet staring at your familiar back view, I feel utterly helpless.
And immensely guilty.

And I let myself cry now.
Not knowing if this pain will go ever away.
Fearing this solitude.

Desperate. So very desperate.

Idé Weré Weré

2008-07-16T18:38:00.002+08:00

Idé Weré Weré

Idé Weré Weré
Deva Premal

Idé weré weré nita ochun
Idé weré weré
Idé weré weré nita ochun
Idé weré weré nita ya
Ocha kiniba nita ochun
Cheké cheké cheké
Nita ya
Idé weré weré

My Commencement

2008-07-15T11:24:00.002+08:00

This isn't a post filled with photos of my SMU Commencement last Saturday. This is about a Commencement with a deeper deeper meaning and implications...one, that up to now, I'm still slightly very scared shitless of.

In the darkest hours, your friends are here. And in my darkest hours, I shall try not to hide anymore. Someone dear said to me, "Soulmates are people who come into your life, teach you what you have to learn...and they are gone."

Xi rescued me from one of the most hellish times in my life. So I boarded the ship seeking refuge and safety, learnt the lessons I had to learn about love and family... and the next thing I knew, I was back in the open sea. Scared shitless, I hung onto the buoy from Xi's ship for dear life. Not moving anywhere, not letting go. The ship was long gone...yet I held on.

Last Saturday, just after my SMU Commencement, I finally let go. As my family and Xi witnesses the ceremony, it was almost as if they were there to bid old Val farewell. Desperate for a sign of sorts, anything... I kept running everywhere. Looking furtively around, I caught my Dad's familiar "It's ok now" look. And I knew it was.

Sitting at the restaurant Xi chose, eating my noodles, I panicked once more and started running. "He chose the restaurant knowing that it's my fave. He's here to witness my parents' proudest moments...he wore a tie for me. Surely, there must be something left in this relationship. Surely, my ship hasn't left."

In a last ditch attempt, I started explaining. Tried telling him why the changes...yet, the more I listened to myself and his responses, the more it felt like I was trying to get him to rescue me one more time. With what Xi calls his thoughtless yet well-intended贱remarks, I was ready to scream, "Please. Be gentle with me!"

And as I hear these words in my head, I realized that the one person who needs to be gentle with myself is yours truly. Enough. Enough Val. Enough of banging yourself against walls. Enough of looking for things, for people, to fulfill expectations. Enough of using these expectations to fill that void inside your heart. Be gentle.

So I let go. And I let go. Let go of the buoy I was holding onto for dear life, so that it could return to the ship it came from.